This week in work life: I have had two engagement sessions (Sunday and Monday), I have two weddings coming up (Thursday and Saturday) and a day full of family mini sessions this Sunday. My camera is going to be ready for a vacation soon… but it’s not getting one!
This week in Mom life: Brynlee finally had a break through with teething – literally. She cut her first tooth and we are SO happy! She was on the struggle bus for a week and a half until that sucker finally made it through… and now she’s back to my happy little pumpkin butt. She still acts like I’m giving her lemons every time I try to feed her actual food… but hey, you can’t win them all – am I right?
I’m just thankful she’s feeling better AND taking the bottle when I’m away working. There were a few weeks where she was refusing it and it was breaking my Mama heart thinking of her going hungry… although she really wasn’t. She would eventually reluctantly take it when she was starving, but it was a struggle. The guilt never stops… I realized early in my pregnancy that the worry would never end from that moment on, and early in motherhood that the guilt would never end either… We just have to make it a practice to not allow the worry and guilt to consume us, or cause us to make poor parenting decisions. Easier said than done, I know… it’s always a work in progress… Most importantly, sometimes we need to just stop everything else and dance with our babies. The work will always be there, the dishes can wait, the text can wait, Facebook will be there after they go to bed… so turn on some music, be silly, and dance with your babies… real babies, fur babies, nieces, or nephews… whatever sweet innocence you have in your life that is growing too fast… put everything down today, or tomorrow – for 20 minutes… turn on some music, let go of the guilt and worry – and dance with that precious little being. I try to do this every evening with Brynlee and she absolutely loves it.
When I’m away from her, I don’t love it… but I am fortunate that I get to do something else I love while I’m away… which is…. you guessed it – capturing LOVE! Check out these cuties on the beach… I adore them, and their love story, and I can’t wait to photograph their wedding in January.
For more information on Engagement and Wedding Photography in Orange County and beyond… or for your Holiday portraits this fall, please visit briannacaster.com and send me a message 🙂
Let’s get into some realness…
…. Because obviously sharing my birthing experience and the challenges of early motherhood hasn’t been real enough, right? Just be glad I didn’t tell you all about how she pooped her entire car seat the other day on our way to swim, and how I had to pick her up out of a pool of baby doodie, wrap her in her clean swim towel, and wipe out her car seat with 735 wipies one handed, while balancing my poopy baby on my hip. Oh wait… did I just tell you that? Oops.
Anyway this one is about the struggle (business-wise) that is 2019. As I mentioned before… finding the work-Mom balance hasn’t been easy. Add to that, 2019 has been an absolute shit-show business wise and it had nothing to do with me taking a couple of months off to have a baby. I knew going into this year that our bookings were down and I spent a solid 6 months trying everything I could think of to get our numbers up BEFORE I took leave to push out a kid. I tried new ad types, I dropped prices, I kicked out incentives left and right, launched promotions… I tried everything I could think of. I wish I could tell you that at the last minute I figured it all out and my business continued to soar while I was sore. But that’s not true. I was 100% unsuccessful.
I’ve been a bit spoiled, I’ll be honest. 5 1/2 years ago I had a business partnership explode in my face. I thought I had lost everything. I didn’t have a portfolio I could use to market myself… I had nothing… almost. What I did have was a reputation with some amazing women at Wedgewood Weddings. When they heard what happened, they wanted to work with me. They gave me a chance, the spread the word about me, and by the end of that terrifying year I had 3 venues referring me to their client base. From there my business climbed up… up… up. I’ve been incredibly fortunate to have these relationships and I have maintained them over the years.
This year, thanks to these relationships, we are still in business… it was just a shockingly slow year. I’ve talked to a lot of other vendors in the industry who have experienced the same drop in bookings that we have. As much as I never want to hear that anyone’s business is slowing down, I was relieved to discover that it wasn’t just me. Still… my wheels have not stopped spinning about how to make 2020 better (so much so that I’ve been wide awake since 4:15am thinking about what to do and how to grow… and I know what you’re thinking… “yeah because you have an infant who wakes you all hours of the night.” But you’re wrong. She’s still asleep… She’s perfect. This is all me.) For one thing… I think it just naturally will be. We’ve all concluded that a lot of people have put their weddings off until 2020 so that they can have a “cool date”. Sounds silly, but it’s real.
Fingers crossed that I don’t jinx this but our bookings for 2020 already seem promising… However, I calculated my overhead for this year and based on our decrease in bookings, let’s just say it had me up ALL. NIGHT. The good news is, that when I can’t sleep… it’s because my wheels are spinning, and ideas are forming… and I jumped out of bed finally at 5am because I think I have a solution.
Wish us luck! And until then… send me those referrals! Mama needs to make some cheddah! (so I can buy Brynlee more cute outfits and take more photos of her… obviously)
Below are some photos… sadly, not of my super cute baby… BUT happily, of a gorgeous wedding I recently photographed at Wedgewood Vellano. All joking aside, I love sharing my wedding work as much as I love sharing photos of my baby – I hope everyone can appreciate both! 🙂
I really loved working with Ashley & Chris… they are adorable, and their wedding was perfect!! Take a look…
For more information on wedding photography, family portraits, or any other photo needs – please visit briannacaster.com and drop me a line 😉
It’s amazing how quickly you forget the hard stuff once your “new normal” settles in. I had to really sit and reflect to remember the challenges we faced in the early days of parenthood… and the many moments of, “I can’t wait until we get passed this phase, then it’ll get easier.” We often referenced one of my favorite songs by Darius Rucker, and said to each other during the hard times, “It won’t be like this for long…” If you haven’t heard this song, and you’re a relatively new parent – listen to it… but grab a few tissues first because it will get you right in the feels.
We started working on a night time routine when she was 7 weeks old. We struggled through the 8 week regression and then at 9 weeks it started to get a little easier… We did what we like to call “The pacifier dance” some nights for 10 minutes, and some nights for 90 minutes… then she just stopped taking the pacifier all together. Every night isn’t perfect. Teething tends to throw a wrench in things every few days, but she bounces back so easily. We have gotten her bed time routine down to an art. She gets a bath, a story or two, then we turn on her sound machine, zip her up in her sleep sack, kiss her all over and say goodnight… then we shut off the lights and walk out… and without so much as a peep, she settles herself right to sleep. We started this so early that it never felt like we were really “sleep training” – we never let her really cry. Sometimes we’d let her fuss for a max of 5 to 10 minutes but if she ever REALLY cried, we knew something was wrong (teething) and soothed her immediately. It was a journey getting her to put herself to sleep, and her nap times aren’t quite as easy – but her bed time is perfect 99% of the time and she’s down before 7pm every night.
The best part of this is that I didn’t do any of it alone. We did, and still do, all of this as a team. Randy decided early on that he would go into work earlier so that he could be home with us in the evenings. I sincerely commend his dedication to our family because he gets up at 4:15 every morning and is out of the house before 5am so that he can be home by 4pm, take a walk with us, or just play with Brynlee, then do her entire bedtime routine with me. Becoming parents has brought us closer than ever. When I asked him one time how he felt after experiencing her birth, and how he felt it affected his thinking of me and our relationship he said, “I feel closer to you than ever.”
As much as becoming parents takes a lot of attention away from each other in order to focus on regulating your lives after such a huge disruption to your norm, doing all of these things side by side has kept us connected to each other. Navigating the early days with support for each other, and helping one another in difficult moments, i.e. seeing that one of us is frustrated while trying to handle the fussy hours, and stepping in to give that person a break, has given us each a whole new level of love and respect for the other. I thought I was the most in love that I could ever be on my wedding day… but two and a half years later, 6 months into being parents, I can honestly say I have never loved that man more. Not only do I adore watching him be a father and love on our baby, but his love, support and partnership toward me is more intense and beautiful than it has ever been. Having Brynlee has strengthened our marriage in ways I never imagined.
Going back to work has been wonderful. Randy made that easy too. Because he has always been such a part of her routine, going to photograph my first wedding back was stress free (except for the fact that I had driven all the way to Palos Verdes with out important pieces to my pump…Whoops!) For a few weeks I tried to juggle office work and mom-life but it proved to be too difficult and guilt inducing. I felt guilty if I needed to put her in a jumper so I could answer some emails, I felt guilty that I couldn’t fully focus on my work OR on her… I felt like I was not giving my work or my daughter my all. Finally I hired a sitter for two days per week so that I can really focus on work. I am totally crazy about my sitter. She is a dream. She loves Brynlee, and I get the best of both worlds… I’m here with them but I can fully focus on my work and know that Brynlee is getting the attention she needs from our sitter, she’s going on walks, being put down for her naps, and still gets fed by me. The other two days per week I have an assistant answering my emails. This may or may not prove to be “enough” but for now it’s working and everything feels GOOD!
My Mom has always said that becoming a Mom is the best thing she’s ever done. To this day she says that if she didn’t have her kids, her life would feel empty. Parenting isn’t for everyone!! I truly believe that. It is ok if you’re not feeling called to be a parent, or have never had a desire to be one. I was kind of stuck in the middle… I felt like I probably wanted to be a Mom, but wasn’t 100% sure… I was on the fence. And then I wasn’t on the fence, I was on the rollercoaster of pregnancy still unsure if motherhood was for me… I guess I clearly leaned more toward motherhood than away from it, because I went for it. When I think back about those days of uncertainty prior to getting pregnant I laugh. I had no idea how sweet motherhood would be. I had no idea how insanely precious my days would be as a Mom… how perfect it would all feel… if I knew then, what I know now… I would have jumped into the idea of motherhood with gusto. If I could give my former self a message in a moment of doubt about being a mother, I’d look her right in the eyes with the most pure smile, heart beaming and tears of joy and say “DO IT!!!!!!!!!! It is THE. best. thing. ever.”
I love my life more than I have ever loved it before. I love being a wife and a Mom AND a business owner 🙂 …I just wish I could slow it all down a bit so it didn’t all go by so quickly.
Part of being a Mom for me definitely includes lots of adorable photo shoots as you can tell. God knew what he was doing when he gave me a very happy and photogenic child! I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams to be her Mama. It’s my greatest and most treasured job in life.
Next week I’ll get back to talking about my clients and my work…. 🙂
Ohhhhh EEEEMMM GEEEEE! It’s the first day of fall. If you follow me on Instagram, you can see my first day of fall photo of Brynlee. I’m not going to even subtly try to pretend I don’t love dressing her up and taking photos of her. I am all about that noise. Fun fact… I bought that romper THE DAY I found out that she was a girl and have been saving it for that photo. Yep. I’m THAT Mom. #noshame
Alright. So let’s get back to the realness of early motherhood… I am 1,000% that Mom that just wants to talk about how amazing her daughter is all of the time, to ANYONE who wants to listen. You guys. She is literally the best. But let me remind you – I was NOT the girl who knew for a fact that she wanted to be a Mom. I still wasn’t even sure during my first few months of pregnancy. It wasn’t until I was about 4 to 5 months along that I all of the sudden felt ready. Up until that point I was like, “Well, we’re on this ride!”
When Brynlee was born those first few weeks were HARD. I loved her beyond belief, but everything changed so quickly and my emotions were ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. As someone who has always had a pretty darn good handle of her emotions, THAT was weird. Hormones are BANANAS you guys. They do some crazy things to you. I was not prepared for that. I just wanted to feel normal again, emotionally and physically. I wanted to have a handle on my life again and I felt like it was completely upside down and sideways at the same time. I didn’t know which way was up for a while… I’m not sure my husband did either… but his support was unwavering. When I was a mess, he picked me up. When I just needed a 20 minute shower and the baby was screaming he said, “Go. I’ve got this.” When I cried uncontrollably, he wiped my tears and told me it was going to be ok and that he loved me and that I was doing a good job… and when I sobbed telling him that I just needed my Mom… he told her and let her come take over.
I had heard of Postpartum Depression, but I hadn’t heard of “Baby Blues”. For those of you that don’t know, the Baby Blues can punch you right in the face out of nowhere and hit you for 1-2 weeks after you have a baby. I was exactly 7 days postpartum when it hit me. I went to our Mother-Baby assessment that morning and felt fantastic. I filled out the form that asked me if I was feeling sad, lonely, like everything was my fault, and checked “No” on all of those boxes. I was so confident! I felt amazing. Then that evening, after feeding Brynlee I came down stairs to feed myself and this wave of sadness kicked me right in the teeth. My Dad was visiting and he and Randy were watching a movie, and I just felt overwhelmingly alone. My Mom had been there every day up until that point, making me food, cleaning my kitchen, and the night before even held Brynlee for hours so that I could sleep. But now my Dad was visiting, so my Mom went home… and I. Missed. Her. So. Hard. In my head, I knew that my feelings weren’t real (even though they were). I knew I was being ridiculous (I wasn’t). I knew everything was fine (everything WASN’T fine. Life was new and crazy and different!)… and I didn’t want to cry in front of my husband or my dad because I thought they’d laugh at how silly I was being (no clue why I thought this). So I choked back the tears and got myself some left-overs… and then I couldn’t control myself anymore. I sat down at the table, turned away where my Dad and husband couldn’t see me… and the tears just started rolling down my face as I ate.
I felt ridiculous. I knew I would be fine… I knew my hormones were just being crazy. I knew in my head what was happening, but I couldn’t stop it. I also thought my Mom would feel good knowing I missed her so much I was crying. So I texted her light heartedly telling her I missed her so much I was crying. Silly me… I thought she’d find it funny but she didn’t. She responded with, “I’m on my way.” I didn’t want to disrupt her or make her feel guilty… but knowing her daughter was crying and missing her was unbearable to her. So she packed a bag and came over.
I snuck away to feed Brynlee again without my Dad or Randy knowing I was crying. But then I asked Randy to come up stairs because I wanted to tell him my Mom was coming back… and I was STILL crying. I don’t know WHY I was so afraid that they would laugh at me… that was more of my crazy hormones getting the best of me I think… because when he saw me crying, he just threw his arms around me and told me it was ok. When he went back downstairs and told my Dad I was crying – my Dad immediately came up stairs to hug me too. They both just told me it was ok, and they loved on me. Then I felt even sillier, and cried even more. I literally cried for an hour straight. I finally stopped… and my Mom walked in the door. The second I heard her voice, I started crying again. When she walked into the nursery and saw me with tears pouring down my face, I just laughed and told her I was sorry. She grabbed tissues to dry my tears and told me she wasn’t going anywhere. She slept on the floor in the nursery with Brynlee while I slept in my bed and only woke me when she had to because Brynlee needed to nurse.
The tears happened every evening around 4:00 for about a week. Whenever the sun came up I felt light, happy, excited. And as it got close to setting, I would feel lonely and sad. Then all of the sudden it stopped… all of the sudden it was 4:00 one evening and I was anticipating the sadness, and it didn’t happen. My Baby Blues were gone and I was SO relieved. Little by little, I started having what I like to call “Mom victories” where one little thing got easier… or she slept a little longer one night… and my confidence as a new Mom was building.
I still didn’t want to be alone. I wanted anyone and everyone who wanted to visit, to visit. I loved having company over, and I loved having help. I was recovering from a really terrible cough that I had when she was born, the nights were lonely, my boobs were KILLING me from adjusting to nursing, and I felt like all I did all day long was nurse her… She cluster fed every evening for a while…Cluster feeding is when they want to nurse every 20 to 30 minutes for 2 to 4 hours straight… and at the time, every nursing session was 40-50 minutes long. To say I was sick of nursing, is an understatement. No one told me about cluster feeding either… or if they did, I wasn’t listening. I thought I was so prepared to be a Mom. After all, I was the baby whisperer you guys. When I photographed babies, everyone wanted to keep me because I was so good with their babies. When it came to my own I was like, WHAT AM I DOING!?!? HOW DO I MAKE HER STOP CRYING!? HELP MEEEEEE. It was like all of the tricks I had for other peoples babies disappeared from my brain, and were replaced with anxiety and fear that she would just magically never stop crying… ever.
And then that phase ended too. About week 6 things started to get a little easier. She started to naturally sleep better at night (thank you melatonin!) and wake less… and when she did wake, she’d nurse for 40 minutes (eye roll) and go back to sleep. I got myself a book light and decided to read when she woke me in the night to nurse… I had a little camp set up next to the rocker in her nursery, snacks, books, book light, water… and I just embraced the time. Then her nursing sessions went down to 20 minutes… then 15… and only 2 to 3 times per night… and I started really feeling like I had a handle on being her Mom. I started to anticipate her needs, and my new normal started to not feel so new any more – and just… normal. I was in tune with her, FINALLY. I started functioning just fine on 6 combined hours of sleep… Then I started getting 7… and by 3 months she was only waking twice at night, nursing for 10 minutes, and going right back to sleep… just in time for our first family vacation to Kauai… where I was 100% sure everything would be thrown off, and all of my hard work would go out the window…
We’ll pause the story here for now! Each blog seems to get longer 🙂 Next week I’ll share our journey to perfecting bed time, and all the ways our marriage has changed… and why having this baby is already the absolute best decision I’ve ever made.
Here are some images I captured from April to June…
Side note: Looking back at the transformation from month one to month two/three blows my mind. Is that the same baby!?
See you next week my friends.
At about 5am Randy woke up to see me sitting up in bed and asked if I was ok. I told him I was ok, and nonchalantly added that I was in labor. He shot up in bed and said, “REALLY!?” To which I replied, “Yeah. I’ve been having contractions since 2am, but didn’t want to wake you. They’re not too bad yet, but I’ve been timing them and they’re about 10 minutes apart. You can go back to sleep though, it’s not pressing right now.” Naturally, he could not go back to sleep. He needed to get up and do something – anything.
He asked me what I needed and what he could do. I told him I was hungry and really wanted some toast… So he threw on some clothes and went to the store to get me some bread. He came home and made me breakfast around 6:30am… and then made me a second breakfast around 9am. By 11am my contractions were closer to 5 minutes apart. At 1pm we decided we should go to the hospital. I didn’t feel like the contractions were THAT bad, but we were advised to go in when the contractions were 5 minutes apart for more than 1 to 2 hours. So we went! I figured I could continue laboring at the hospital…
By the time I got all checked in the contractions were more intense and I was glad we were there. My Mom met us in the lobby before we went up. They got me all checked in, and then checked me to see how far along I was. I was only 1.5cm dilated…. which is exactly where I was when I saw my doctor the week before. So despite 11 hours of consistent labor, but body was not progressing. So what did they do? You guessed it. They sent me home. We were all very disappointed. They even suggested that I might make my doctors appointment later that week. My Mother laughed at them and said, “She’ll be back tonight.”
I was bummed but I was also starving again… and if I was leaving the hospital, I was getting a DELICIOUS filling meal. We took a trip to In N Out… and I enjoyed every. single. bite.
My sister met us at my house, and I told Randy to go back to bed. One of us needed to not be entirely exhausted from lack of sleep, and my Mom and my sister were there to help me through my labor pains… We walked around the neighborhood and it was getting increasingly difficult to move or even think during contractions. At 5pm we all agreed that I should stick it out until at least 7pm and then we would go to the hospital again.
By 7pm I was miserable and ready to get back to the hospital, but I was anxious and afraid that my body would still not have progressed enough and they’d send me home.
When we arrived at the hospital this time, my body had begun going into shock between every contraction. All hands were on deck at all times. My Mom was counting my breathing and massaging my legs, Melissa was fanning me as I sweat profusely, and Randy massaged my shoulders and quietly whispered words of encouragement into my ear. After each contraction my body was trembling. No matter what we tried, I could NOT relax through any of it.
As I laid there in misery waiting for them to examine me and see if they could officially admit me, my Mom could see the anxiety in my eyes and assured me that if they tried to send me home again she would throw a fit. She’s the best.
Finally they examined me and I was a whopping 3.5cm by this point. I was distraught when they told me this because my contractions were coming so fast and so intensely that I thought I HAD to be further than that… the nurses were surprised as well, and due to my level of pain and the severity of my contractions, they let me stay. Praise Jesus!
I made sure that every person who entered the room knew I wanted that epidural. I am not ashamed to admit, that drug free was not for me. I could not hang… but I did for about 21 hours before I FINALLY got that epidural. It was about 10pm when the Anesthesiologist made her debut, and I wanted to kiss her on the mouth when I saw her. She could not get to me fast enough… but she did an incredibly efficient job, and my very next contraction was at 50% of the pain of my previous contractions, and the one that followed that I didn’t even feel. I could finally relax.
My Mom, Randy and Melissa all slept in shifts. I got a few snoozes here and there between exams. Around 2am, roughly 24 hours after my contractions began, the nurse informed me that my water broke. Things were happening! I was so happy!
By 7am… I had barely hit 5cm. Half way there. My nurse was leaving and said she might see me at her next shift. We all laughed and I told her that if I was still in L&D when she came back to work, I would have some problems. It was like she knew something I didn’t, because she didn’t find that statement as funny as the rest of us. She just smiled and left.
It wasn’t until around 12 or 1pm that another nurse discovered that my water hadn’t fully broken, and I was stalled. They had pushed Pitocin (an induction drug) multiple times to try to help my body move along, but I was still only around 5cm. They called my doctor to discuss this, and she came in to break my water the rest of the way. This got me to 7cm, where I sat for a few more hours… They could tell that Brynlee was sideways and not budging, so they flipped me around every 20 minutes for the next couple of hours, trying to get her to turn in the proper direction. I sat at 9.5cm for two more hours, before my doctor finally came in again about 6pm and said, “we’re getting this baby out Brianna!” She stuck her hands in there, turned Brynlee face down and said, “there we go! You ready to start pushing?”
Yes, that was excruciating but I was so sick of laying in that bed that I could not WAIT to push. I was beyond ready to be done with this whole thing. I had all the energy I needed, all the motivation, and the most amazing support system. They turned on my “push playlist” and it was go time. My Mom held one leg, the nurse held the other, my sister took photos, and all of them along with my doctor encouraged me to push. Randy continued to massage my shoulders and encourage me gently. I went into beast mode. I wanted to push for as long as they would let me with every contraction, and many times I told them I had another push in me before break time. Each break was necessary, and with each one my family tended to me and encouraged me… and each time I was ready to push again, I pushed with all of my might like my life depended on it. I wanted her OUT! NOW!
I have to take a moment to talk about how much my husband impressed me through this process. We work out together and he is a pretty tough coach. I feared that he would try to coach me in a way that I didn’t need. I worried he would push me too hard and not listen to my needs, but I was very wrong. He blew me away with how gentle, and beautifully encouraging he was. He never left my side. He wiped away my sweat with a cold wet towel between pushes, and with every push he told me how amazing I was, how strong I was, and how I had this.
Before Brynlee was born I had asked Randy if he’d look when she was coming out… I didn’t want him to. But he wanted to! He told me that he didn’t know if he’d get another opportunity to see a child being born and he wanted to see. Reluctantly, I said ok. But when his opportunity came, he surprised me again. My Mom offered to trade places with him so he could see Brynlee coming out. He looked at me, and thought for a second and then said, “No. I think I’ll stay here. I want us to see her for the first time together.”
After about an hour and twenty minutes of pushing, at 7:42pm on April 1st, she was here. My Mom said she came out cheeks first… and looking back at photos I can totally see what she meant…
My Mom and my sister cried… Randy seemed to be stuck in awe for a while… and just watched everything as they laid Brynlee on my chest and wiped her down… he continued to tend to me. I didn’t cry. I think it was because I was just so relieved that it was over… and was so busy looking at her funny little swollen face, that I just laid there in relief.
After our skin to skin time, they weighed and measured her, bundled her up and handed her to Randy. Randy, mind you, had never held a baby before this moment. Without hesitation he took his daughter, sat down quietly and cried as he looked at her. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
Guess who we saw next? Our original nurse… back for her next shift. She came in to see the baby and say hello just before we were transferred to the mother/baby unit.
41 hours was a long time, but it instantly felt like a distant memory. 5 1/2 months later this all feels like a dream, and I hardly even remember her being so tiny, and looking so much like a puffy little monkey! It’s ok, I can say that, I’m her Mom… and I’ll be the first to admit that no baby, fresh out of the oven, looks cute… they are entire different beings 24 hours later when the swelling goes down… Take a look and you’ll see what I mean!
The birth photos were taken by my sister, Melissa!
Next Week in Part 3: Parenthood gets real… I’ll share our journey over the last 5 1/2 months.
Does my blog make anyone else’s head spin? I make my own head spin with how all over the place my content is… I often wonder if I should really focus in on ONLY talking business… on talking about my couples… on talking about my business… and keep it focused in ONE area rather than in all the areas. But then I decided that my blog SHOULD be cluster of whatever the heck I feel like in that moment… because it’s a reflection of me, and that’s what I’m about. Whatever the heck I feel like in the moment.
I have been feeling compelled to share my “New Mom” story, but have gone back and forth about it a lot and whether it relates enough to my business. I’ve decided that it does, so I’m going to share it… because I’m not just a new mom… I’m not just a business owner – I’m both, and finding balance has not been easy. So I think it’s something good to share and I think a wide audience can appreciate many different aspects of my story.
So I’m going to start from the beginning.
I will be admitting a lot of things throughout this story. Maybe some people will raise their brows at my admissions, but that’s alright. I’m proud of every choice I’ve made. I have no regrets. I understand that everyones experiences, hopes and dreams are different. These are mine, and this is my story of motherhood.
Admission number 1. I didn’t always KNOW I wanted to be a Mom. There were several years of my life where I thought I didn’t need to be a Mom, and didn’t really want to be one. I didn’t feel pulled to have my own children. For a while I thought I was supposed to… and then I realized that was silly, and I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to. Everyone around me was shocked to hear this when I said it out loud because I have always been so obsessed with my niece and nephew, they all just assumed I was itching to become a Mom, but I wasn’t. It hit me one day after one of my beautiful, wonderful Aunts sadly passed away. I was putting together images for her memorial service slideshow, and found a lot of photos of all of my cousins and I growing up together. I realized then and there that I wanted that in my life. I wanted my niece and nephew to have cousins, and I wanted my children to grow up close to my sisters children. So although I felt like I wished I had 10 more years to have kids, and still didn’t feel FULLY ready… I decided it was time to talk about it with Randy. After a couple of discussions we decided we’d go for it.
Nothing happened the way we thought it would and we didn’t get pregnant right away. In hind sight, this was a good thing because each month that we didn’t get pregnant, we wanted a child even more. When it finally happened I was shocked, excited, terrified, and started thinking “are we really ready for this!? I don’t know!!!”
Admission number 2. I don’t think I felt “ready” to have a child until I was about 5 months pregnant. It wasn’t real, I was scared. But I was in it. The excitement didn’t really set in fully until I felt her move… THEN I started to fall in love with this baby growing inside me. Until then, I was just getting fat and feeling uncomfortable and crappy.
Admission number 3. I really didn’t enjoy being pregnant. It wasn’t this magical beautiful experience for me. HOWEVER, all things considered – I had a very easy pregnancy. I just didn’t expect to feel so abnormal. I was uncomfortable all. of. the. time. I had a ton of nausea in the beginning. When the nausea finally subsided, I started getting migraines. Then the back pain kicked in. Then indigestion. Heartburn. Reflux. I just really was not a fan of not feeling like myself. BUT, I was very lucky in that this was all quite mild compared to what I have heard other women go through. So all things considered, it was a great pregnancy – it just wasn’t all that fun for me.
When I got REALLY excited, was when labor started. I was SO ready to meet my little one. I was excited to go into labor and get her out of me and into my arms. I couldn’t wait to see her face. I knew how to handle babies. I was the baby whisperer… I HAD this.
Labor started at about 2am on March 31st. My contractions were immediately consistent and 10 minutes apart, but they were fairly mild so I didn’t bother my husband. They were strong enough and consistent enough that I couldn’t sleep anymore, but it wasn’t worth waking him up yet. So I just sat up in bed and watched TV and breathed through the contractions quietly.
What I am thankful I didn’t know… was what my birthing process would be like. If someone told me when it started that it would be 41 more hours before I finally had her in my arms, I would have been terrified!
This is getting long, so I’ll save the next portion of this Mom journey for next weeks blog 🙂 For now, take a look at the beautiful maternity photos that Elaine captured for us:
Next week I’ll share my daughters birth story. It’s a crazy one 🙂
Peace, love, and sweet precious babies,
So yesterday we ventured out to Vasquez Rocks and it was worth the two hour drive if you ask me. I made some phone calls along the way, listened to some music, drank some Starbucks cold brew and tried to enjoy the drive. But, can I just say how much I hate driving on LA freeways? I don’t mind a long drive… but I hate those freeways… they’re small and windy and people are nuts. Whenever I’m coming back from LA there is nothing more welcoming than that beautiful sign off the 5 just past Artesia that says ORANGE COUNTY. Every time I see it, I smile, take a deep breath, release my vice like grip on my steering wheel and immediately feel at ease – I’m home. Like magic the freeways widen, the traffic lightens up, and it feels like heaven.
I will say that as much as I hate that drive – it’s worth it for locations like this! I’d sit in traffic twice as long for these two anyway.
Can we talk about how bad my hair envy is for Anjelica’s silky pin straight beautiful black hair? Ugh! So jealous!! This beauty is my Mom’s husbands granddaughter. So I guess that makes her my niece by marriage? I don’t know. She’s family – and she is marrying her handsome fella Carlos next September. Our entire family is over the moon happy for this beautiful couple, and I’m so happy they were also willing to take a painful drive through LA for this engagement session. Take a look!
Can these two be the next Abercrombie & Fitch poster couple? I’d vote them in… if that were a thing.
For more information on Engagement and Wedding Photography in Orange County, please visit my website and say hello! http://www.BriannaCaster.com – and don’t forget to follow me on Instagram @briannacaster
That’s all folks.
Happy Monday everyone!
How are you enjoying this heat? I am ready for the fall already… I’m ready to put my daughter in some cute ass fall clothes – and yes, HEADBANDS. I get a lot of comments from people about how she always has a headband on… And yeah – she does. She tolerates them, and she’s bald… so headbands are fun to accessorize. Plus they look freaking adorable on her, so there. If she begins to get irritated, or one day tells me she hates them… I will immediately stop. But for now, I like to play dress up with her. *insert shoulder shrugging emoji here
Also – it’s really impossible to take her for an afternoon stroll in this heat. So I look forward to cooler weather when we can be outside more!
What I’m not looking forward to is the time change… I am loving being able to shoot in the evenings as the weather starts to cool down a bit during that golden hour. It’s such a beautiful peaceful time of day. Even in this heat… shooting at 6:00 is wonderful! There is little to no traffic when I head out, and I head back after traffic. It’s perfect… the weather is just cool enough, and the lighting is delicious.
See what I mean?
Elizabeth & Steve were a dream to photograph. They are SO freaking sweet, so stinking beautiful, and so wonderfully in love. I can’t wait to photograph their wedding next month!! More of these two? Yes yes yes!
Stay cool out there my friends.
For more information on engagement and wedding photography in Orange County, please visit http://www.BriannaCaster.com – and say hello 🙂
*Staring blankly at the screen for 15 minutes trying to think of a topic….
Sometimes stuff comes to me, and sometimes it doesn’t. Today is one of those days where I just don’t know what to talk about… So I’ll let the photos do the talking today.
James & Gigi are one of those couples that reminds me why I do what I do. This wasn’t their first wedding… but it was. They were married 21 years ago but didn’t have a wedding. So, they decided to renew their vows and have the wedding they never got to have. Getting to capture a wedding like this was such a joy for me because in a country where the divorce rate is 50%, it’s kind of scary to get married! I only have 2 years under my belt, but these two showed me what it’s really all about… and that it IS possible to still be in love 21 years later. They are #relationshipgoals to the max.
Take a look at their gorgeous wedding at La Venta Inn in Palos Verdes.
May we all be as lucky in love as these two have been.
Cheers to 21 years!
For more information on wedding and engagement photography in Orange County and beyond – please visit my website and drop me a line at http://www.BriannaCaster.com
You guys… I spent 7 days in Hawaii with a 3 month old baby. Can you believe it? I still can’t. She was basically perfect but I will tell you… traveling with an infant is definitely a different kind of vacation. Pre-Brynlee we would have done a lot more than we did while on the beautiful island of Kauai… but having her with us forced us to take a much slower and more mellow vacation – which I actually really loved. Our tiny girl was asleep for the night by 6pm most nights which made going out to dinner challenging (although we did manage to make it work a few times that week without messing up her sleep schedule! Woohoo!) but on the nights we stayed in, we enjoyed wine on our balcony and kisses from the cool island breeze. It was relaxing and magical. I was half bummed to come home, but half super excited to have Brynlee back in her crib and on her routine. It took us a few days but we are back in action! Today Nana is on duty while I get some work done and share this beautiful engagement session with you all!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I have a love/hate relationship with photographing at the beach. The weather can be on the unpredictable side and so can the lighting… however – I can always make it work… but the outcome is almost never the same twice. Be that as it may, I still always love the work we get when we shoot at the beach. There’s something exciting about not knowing what you’ll get.
For Caitlin & Dominic’s engagement session in San Clemente we had gorgeous weather. It was bright, but the clouds rolled in just lightly enough to give us perfect lighting… and the best part was – they wanted to PLAY!! They were excited to get in the water and I LOVE a couple who’s up for a little adventure and not afraid to get dirty… or pummeled by waves.
Take a look!
Want to have some fun and go on an engagement adventure!? Check out my Facebook page for my latest engagement promotion and let’s play!
To see more work or inquire about Engagement and Wedding Photography in Orange County, check out my website and send me a message at http://www.BriannaCaster.com